Happy 2009!

Happy 2009!  The highlight of my New Year are my resolutions.  Sadly, this year, Schmerwick only has two.  I guess Schmerwick really is almost perfect.

Resolution #1: Do not miss an episode of VH1’s Rock of Love or Oxygen’s Bad Girls Club. It may not be difficult for most people to follow these trashtastic shows if their Tivo misses an episode, but for me, I get confused.  I just can't keep up.  Who was the hobag that spit on the slut?  Wait, which skank vomited in her napkin on a date?  Who was the whore that got herpes from Bret Michaels?  Trick question, she already had The Herp.  Ugh!  So many things to keep track of! 

Resolution #2: Lose weight and tone up my flabby arms.

Lucky for me, today, I accomplished resolution #2. “How have you already toned up those arms, Schmerwick? Its only January 3rd,” you ask. Well, whilst watching a marathon of Bad Girls Club, I came across this gem of an infomercial for the product Slimtape. When I saw it, I instantly ran to my phone and ordered 5 sets. Obviously, I couldn’t let Lisa Rhinna purchase them all! Please go to this website and view the clip. I really cannot stop watching it; It’s mesmerizing.

Are those wobbly arms an embarrassment? Then Slim Tape is for you! Just grab your access arm skin, adhere the tape to your upper arm and hide it underneath your t-shirt or blouse! Bam! Toned arms in seconds! No one will ever notice the fat bulge taped to your bicep. It’s foolproof! As a bonus, you will get Slimtape for thighs. But wait- hurry and order in the next 10 minutes and we’ll throw in close-pins to pin back access neck fat and binder clips for those annoying cankles!

Awesome.

Don't forget Rock of Love Bus debuts Sunday, January 4th!  Set your Tivo!

I Love The Smell of Whoppers In The Morning

Are you in a last minute hunt for that perfect Christmas gift? Or perhaps, you are just perplexed and do not know what to buy your picky girlfriend this year. Well, here at Schmerwick we have the answer to your dilemma: Flame by Buger King. If you love the smell of Whoppers (who doesn’t?) and wish that scent could linger with you throughout the day you’re in luck, there is a new cologne by Burger King that smells like flame-broiled deliciousness. Once you spray it on, it’s the gift that keeps on giving to you and those around you for the entire day.

The cologne is marketed towards men, but Schmerwick asks why do only men get to smell like cooked meat? It should be unisex.

Flame launched this past week online and at select Burger Kings for a mere $3.99. Schmerwick assumes Oprah is kicking herself this year for not put this item on her “Holiday Favorite Things” list.

I Demand A Recount

I enjoy a good top ten list, as does anyone. I like to peruse a who’s who of Hollywood. I get a kick out of the “Top 10 Skanks,” “Top 10 Cougars,” etc. I’m all for judging and alienating people, but even more so if it’s a child. And that’s just what this new Top 10 list by Forbes Magazine does! I introduce you to the “Top 10 Hollywood’s Hottest Tots.” This list is not to be confused with the Forbes January list of “Most Influential Infants.”

Here is the Top 10:

Suri Cruise
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
Zahara Jolie-Pitt
Pax Jolie-Pitt
Sam Alexis Woods
Cruz Beckham
Matilda Rose Ledger
David Banda
Sean Preston Federline
Sam Sheen

First of all, who is Sam Alexis Woods and whom did he/she have to eff over at Forbes to get into the top 5? Second, I think it’s an outrage that Violet Affleck did not make the list this year and the offspring of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen did. And where is our favorite cross-eyed angel, Danielynn Birkhead? Don’t get me started, don’t EVEN get me started about the fact Sean Preston Federline beat out his brother Jayden James!

Lay Off Me, I'm Starving!

Congratulations, Joey Chestnut for getting fatter and managing to look oh so pretty in the press pictures! I may sound mean, but really I’m just jealous. I wish I could scarf down 45 slices of pizza in 10 minutes. That’s over 5.5 pizzas! The world of competitive eating really intrigues me and I wish I could make a living off eating pizzas and hotdogs. Who wouldn’t want that career?

Chestnut currently holds the record for the most hot dogs eaten in 12 minutes with 66 dogs and buns. His technique to eating so much is to stretch his stomach muscles out with one gallon of water the morning of the event and not to eat for two days prior.

Not only did Chestnut win the title of the most pizza eaten in a 10-minute span, but he also won 11,700 calories, 420 grams of fat and $5,000 dollars.

Second place winner, Patrick Bertoletti, should be ashamed of himself for only eating a mere 43 slices. I’m sorry, but that is really lame Patrick. Step it up next time, will ya. This is the big leagues, not some child's pizza party.

Now, if only there was a competition for eating the most frozen yogurt, Schmerwick would for sure place first!

Britney Is On My Speed Dial!

Have you ever wanted to tell your favorite celebrity how much they inspire you or tell them how much you support them even in their darkest of hours? Well now you can, only if your favorite celebrity is Britney Spears. She has a hotline you can call and leave her messages. The number is 310-341-4438. She is number two on my speed dial.

I like to call it every morning and tell Britney what my plans are for that day. On Saturday, I left her a message and told her we're going to go to Home Depot. Buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time. I let her know she was more than welcome to join me if so felt so inclined. She never showed. I keep my hopes up that one day she will meet me.

Are You Sick of Your Teen? Family Vacation to Nebraska!

According to a loophole in a Nebraskan law, frustrated parents can dump their children off at hospitals and other safe haven locations without repercussion. This law was meant to be for new parents who did not want to care for their new born baby, they could drop it off and not be left with an abandonment arrest. All 50 states have this law, but Nebraska is the only state that does not have an age limit cut off (mostly 72 hours old). The Nebraksan law just states "child." So technically, anyone under the age of 18 is considered a child. People have even resorted to crossing state lines to get rid of their nuisance. A recently widower dumped 9 of his children age 1-17 at a hospital.

What Schmerwick wonders, how do you just abandon a 17-year-old? Do you just tell him to get out of the car and speed off? Do you make him wear a blindfold so he doesn't know where he is? Do you just simply tell him you are going to Disney World and the hospital is really Cinderella's castle? He's never been to Disney, he won't know the difference! Its not like you can put him in a basket and leave him on a front door like you did with your newborn. The 17-year-old knows where he lived, has his address and phone number memorized. I don't get it. Do you just not want to pay for his college? You put in 17 years, at least wait one more year and then you can just legally kick him out or make him get a job to buy you cigarettes.

Google Goggles

Have you ever woke up with a pounding headache due to one too many tequila shots? Duh, we all have, but have you ever woke up with a headache only for it to worsen when you realize that in your drunken rage you sent out emails to your ex, cousin, boss, and half brother declaring your unrequited love for each of them? Who hasn't done that? Well, lucky for you, Google has introduced a new feature to stop those drunken emails: Google Goggles.

Its rare for Schmerwick to drunk email. I usually pass out way before opening a computer, actually way before I even make it up the steps to my apartment. But thats a different post subject entirely.

By default, the program activates on Friday and Saturday nights, but I say who just gets trashed on Fridays and Satruday nights these days? So as an added bonus, you can pick the day and time you want to activate the feature. Whether you like to spike your coffee in the morning, get wasted at lunch, or get smashed at 3 am on a Tuesday, Google Goggles can be set up to your own specifications.

Its simple to use Google Goggles when sober, all you have to do is perform 5 math problems, then you are all set to email! But don't worry for you elementary school readers out there, you can vary the difficulty level.

Honestly, what will Google think of next? You solved drunken emailing, now what about prohibiting unwanted pregnancies or making sure the person you hook up with doesn't have the herp?

Scuba Diving Cat

If I owned a cat the first thing I would do is drown it. Why? Because I hate cats. Just kidding! But I would spend thousands of dollars to get a specialty scuba outfit made just for my kitty. My cat and I would go on underwater diving adventures together! We would look at coral, seaweed and catfish. We would just have to watch out for the dreaded dogfish shark!

Happy Friday!!

Rock of Daisy?

Just when I thought Daisy couldn't get any dumber, she goes and does something like this... and totally redeems herself!

Yes, fan favorite and Rock of Love reject, Daisy De La Hoya (there is a relation to Oscar) is searching for love once again and VH1 is in tow to capture it all in the Rock of Love spin-off series set to air next year. (I guess Dave Navarro and Daisy split?)

Here at Schmerwick, we couldn’t be any happier for Daisy. Everyone, even fake breasted, collagen injected, herpes ridden, fame whores deserve a second chance at “love.” (Ty, was that way harsh?) We really do wish her all the best. And remember, when we are laughing, we are laughing at you and not with you. At least, this gives VH1 more contestants to choose from for future seasons of I Love Money.

This is definitely appointment television, as well as this lovely gem.

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty

As many of you know, Schmerwick spent a fabulous four years running amuck around New York City. I used to spend my weekends making pizza and my evenings baking bagels with New York City’s legen… wait for it… dary water. New York City’s claim to fame with its delicious pizza and bagels is said to be in its water. The water is also said to cure cancer, but that has yet to be proven. Well now, normal Schmerwicks around the world can own their very own bottled New York City tap water. Yes, that’s right for a mere $36 a case ($1.50 individually at stores) you can ship it to any of your displaced New Yorker friends and they will feel right at home. What’s so special about this water? Nothing, it comes from some dude’s spicket probably located on Bowery and 2nd Street (yeah, that is right next to a homeless shelter for all you non-New York readers). But hey, New York City does have tasty water, so who’s to judge?

Now, if only there were only a way to bottle up subway stench or a schitzo homeless man’s catcalls.

Got Breast Milk?

The famous question, “Got Milk?,” has new meaning today. According to the UK Telegraph, Hans Lochen chef and owner of a Swiss Restaurant in Iberg, Switzerland, has decided to spice up some dishes with a secret ingredient, a woman’s breast milk.

The chef states "The idea first came to me when I noticed that there were many young mothers in our village, some of them single," he said. "I thought to myself: why not make use of their potential? I served the meals to my friends without telling them about the new ingredient and the feedback was excellent."

He offered those lucky women 10 pounds (nearly $20) for a liter of milk. But with the declining US dollar and poor exchange rate, I think it’s a great opportunity for new moms to help make breast milk a number one export for the U.S. However, you have to act fast as Locher is facing legal action by Zurich’s food regulatory body and the Association of Swiss Milk Producers if he proceeds with his milk shenanigans. They claim he "would not be able to store the human milk properly nor guarantee that it was fresh and safe for consumption, since the product was not a registered or regulated food."

Locher has concocted new recipes including lamb curry and antelope steak.

Here is a recipe if you would like to make your own gourmet sauce:

Chantarelle sauce with breast milk and cognac

— Warm up olive oil with cinnamon and flambéed cognac

— Add white wine and stir

— Add breast milk and stir

— Add whipped cream

— Serve with antelope steak or other grilled meat and black Piedmont rice

Garnish with vegetables

At least I now know what one special ingredient will be on next season’s Iron Chef: Breast Milk. I challenge you Mario Batali, “Allez cuisine!”

Finally, The Wait Is Almost Over

I’m sorry Schmerwick has been absent from posting this past week, but what better way to start back up than with news about Tom Jones?! His abundant chest hair, gold chains, and velvet track suits he sports off stage make him one of our favorite artists here at the Chronicles. According to the Associated Press, Tom will realease his album titled "24 Hours" on Nov. 25. “It's a retro-tinged album much in the style of Amy Winehouse's "Back to Black" that finds the Welshman's voice as strong as ever.”

Schmerwick can’t wait to play Tom Jones’ new CD while sitting around Thanksgiving dinner chomping on a turkey leg. I just have to stock up on some new (or maybe used) slutty underwear to throw at him before his next tour!

Real Life Cookie Monster?

Schmerwick will always have a love for New York City, especially since I lived there for 4 years. I've often contemplated moving back, but clearly cannot afford to be bi-coastal... yet! Just counting down the minutes till this website makes it big! Fingers crossed, but until then I think I found the best deal for an apt on Craigs List. I do not know if its real, but I really hope it is! Below is the ad:

Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT


I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.

The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.

Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat "biscuits".

I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.

Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.

You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, "Smuggins" is cute but "Lionel" is not.

The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don't get your hopes up.

Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.

If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:

1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies

Dakota Fanning Is Not Ugly

Its tough being an actor in Hollywood, but even tougher when you were once a cute child actor and now are just kind of fug. Everyone tells you how cute you were once upon a time and how unfortunate looking you are now. The only thing left to your life are your residual checks- but hey, that’s not too shabby!

I was a little worried about Dakota Fanning, as she was an adorable kid, she hit her awkward stage, got braces, and her chances of looking unattractive became increasingly stronger. Luckily, for her, she took the right path and turned out to be surprisingly pretty. As you can see above, I would be fine with her face if I had to walk down the street next to her. I wouldn’t push her and duck behind a pole when the paparazzi came to take her picture, not like I would if I was walking next to Gaby Hoffman. (Sorry Gabs, but you know its true)

I just hope that Abigail Breslin does not go down the same route as Ms. Hoffman. That would be a horrible talent to lose.